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  5. 37 weeks pregnant and my parents and siblings are not talking to me...

37 weeks pregnant and my parents and siblings are not talking to me... Lock Rss

Hi Everyone, this is more of a vent.. but thought I would share as I need to just get it out of my head.
I'm 37 weeks pregnant on Wednesday and having our first child, a little girl.
This is the first grandchild for both my husbands and my parents.
My mother is incredibly excited, which is nice as my MIL, is kinda too busy and I never know how she feels about having a grandchild. She is happy but we are not really emotionally connected so I tend to just leave things be.
Anyway we live on the other side of the country from all of our family, and we've had many visitors in the past year and have travelled a bit too, so husbands available holiday leave is minimal. With the governments paid parental and work leave he only has 3 weeks.
We have made the decision that we would not like any family or interstate friends over for those first few weeks. We just do not have the time or the patience to accommodate anyone especially with a newborn. Husbands family respects his wishes and have told us to let them know when it is a good time to fly over.
My father called and asked the same thing, we agreed that May is a good time, and that gives us a good month for bonding with the baby.
All good right?
My sister, out of the blue starts sending me guilt messages " Mum is upset because she won't see the baby straight away.." "Mum wants to come over for a few days because she wants to see the baby while she is little.."
I don't think my mother knew my sister was sending me these texts.
I tried to be firm but felt emotionally torn, I felt terrible that my mother wouldnt be able to see her grandchild early, but then we had made it clear that we wanted my husband and I to have 3 weeks of solid baby bonding and routing. I mean ,I would feel awkward with my MIL around the house that early.
I was just so angry that my sister started this emotional guilt and I had spent the next 4 days just upset and not answering their calls.
My dad sent me a text asking what was wrong, and I thought he would be the best person to talk to about it. We had a mature agreement that May was the right time for us.I replied to him saying we feel guilted by my sister and we had made our decision.
I then got a reply from him, also guilting me. "you'll hurt your mothers feelings, i cant see what's wrong with her coming over for a day.." Seriously?? a $700 return flight for one day? I thought my father would be the one with who would understand our wishes, but clearly not.
I felt so emotionally blackmailed by the two of them I refused to talk to them.
My husband said he would chat to them, but I didnt want him to, it's not his family.

I sent them a long polite letter saying we love them but they had to respect our decision. I told them that we had to get used to our new little family and we need the 3 weeks bonding time. We have my family coming in May, His family coming in June and then guest arriving in August and a wedding to fly to in October. We need this time to ourselves.
My dad replied with
'fair enough". But my sister reminded us that 'although we have our little family, to remember we come from a much bigger family.'
That just made me angry again, and I havnt heard from any of them for about 2 weeks now.

Ironically I feel very alone now, and scared, but I'm just angry that this has become such an issue. I'm not good with confrontation and I get anxiety from it so I have not called them. I have moments where I'm "well they can just find out on facebook when the baby is born" to crying my eyes out because I have driven them away.
My husband is proud of me for standing firm against the pushiness. But I feel so conflicted now.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, your little bean is almost here, how exciting.

I'm sorry your family are acting so selfish, clearly as your sister has no children of her own she cannot understand the bonding time you & your husband want with your bubs. One day when she becomes pregnant she will understand. Your parents have clearly forgotten what its like to have a new baby in the home, especially your first.

My family would be very similar, however they live a lot closer so a bit different, I explained to my family that when I went into labour I didn't want anyone rushing to the hospital & that we wanted the first few hours just the three of us. Of course all my sister ( no children) could say was how it wouldn't be the same as seeing a fresh baby who had just been born within the first few hours. I told them if they couldn't respect my wishes then I would not let them know when I was in labour & they would only find out after baby was born.

Anyway Don't let them guilt you, stand your ground & good luck with your birth.

I went thru something so very similar! It was really awful and if I am honest, things are still not great between everyone, which is really sad sad
Its your baby, and while to a degree its their baby too and its super exciting for them, you have to do what you and your husband are comfortable with. I don't really have any advice, just sympathy and an ear if u ever need to whinge. Take care and good luck with the birth of your little baby!
I understand that you want time to yourselves and although primarily it's your baby, it's their grandchild too. They just want to be part of it and there is a difference between a newborn to that which is three weeks to a month old. Month old babies are cute, but there's nothing like a newborn!

Is your mum over controlling? Would she constantly be wanting to hold the baby etc.?
My mum came to stay with us for about a week with all of our babies and yes she had a cuddle, but most of the time she just gave us space and did all the cooking, cleaning etc. which actually gave us more time to spend with our babies. I don't know your mum, maybe she is not quite as generous as mine?

Trust me! You don't need to be alone for your baby to bond with you. Babies just seem to know who mummy and daddy is. It's one of the wonders of nature!

Just maybe have another think about it. You might actually appreciate someone being there to lend a hand. Chances are, both you and your husband will be awake every time bubs wakes up and there's no guarantee that bubs will be an easy baby and settle well. I was lucky, mine were all fantastic, but I still appreciated mum doing all the crap.

We always insisted on being alone at the birth and for a good few hours afterwards and whenever family came to the hospital they always stayed for less than an hour. Inlaws were lucky to be there half an hour, even though it would take them almost an hour each way to get there.

So maybe let people come for a short time and lay down the rules to start with if you think they are going to be a bit smothering. Plus keep it to a few days and get it out of the way. That way you and hubby will have the Reston hubby's holidays to relax without having the thought family coming to stay hanging over you.

Once again though, it is your baby and you and hubby have the right todo it the way you like. You just need to decide if its worth causing that tension with your family.

Just another thought, could you get them to stay at a motel? That way they wouldn't constantly be there!

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My inlaws came and visited when I was in hospital and were gone by the time I got home. I would say stick to your original plan. Last thing I would want is people staying with me when I came home from hospital with a new baby. If you do have a difficult baby and need a rest during the day you can. But if you have family staying it is way harder as you are trying to please everyone. I agree that you need time to adjust being a family of three and build some confidence with being a mum before you have a heap of family come and stay.

Good luck with the birth and hope that the family respect your wishes.

I understand you and your husband wanting that special bonding time with you your new baby. I can also see it from your parents side too. They are excited about having a grandchild and want to see her when she is first born, you will be amazed how much they change in 3 weeks. Could they come and visit while you are in hospital? That way they are only there for a minimal amount of time and they still get those precious newborn cuddles. Make it clear that they will not be able to stay with you and when you get home from the hospital you will not be having visitors.
I had a similar thing with my mum. Living so far away she wanted to come and stay for a week after baby was born and wanted to see the baby soon after it was born. We wanted the time to ourselves.

Knowing how upset she would be if we asked her to wait to see the baby, we compromised.

I suggested that she come and stay AFTER my husband went back to work because i'd be alone and might need the help (bit of a white lie!).

But I allowed her to come and stay for 1 night a couple of days after the birth - after we'd settled at home.

You'll survive the short visit and it'll get everyone off your back. Its up to them if its worth the cost!

Feel free to guilt your sister though - she's being unreasonable. Get your husband to call her and say he doesn't appreciate her stressing out his heavily pregnant wife and its not good for the baby etc smile

We also didn't tell people when we were in labour - only after the birth! You need at least a few hours without well meaning people visiting!
Actually I should say - I'd much rather people visit us after we get home than at the hospital!

I actually found hospital visits really disruptive and annoying - especially as I was having problems breastfeeding. Didn't get many visits but they all seemed to turn up at exactly the wrong time!

At least if you are at home you can leave the room smile
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